What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 00:58
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I couldn’t, believe it.
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I never cut or harmed myself..
How is it that a computer can generate a captcha but not solve it?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I write beautiful poetry .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I have no regrets .
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She married twice! .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Is it harder to become a professor nowadays? If yes, why?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So whats the point in blame.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
(And it was in our own minds.)
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My life is so biszare .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I could never make a relationship work though!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We all went to grammer schools
When she asked me how she looked .
Ive learnt so much.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was seconnd youngest,
Put me off passion for life!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And i lived it daily.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was scared of men, in general
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She was in good health!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i do to all so called friends.?
She loved him until the end.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Comes on , in middle age.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
All the time i was locked up.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
This is soul school!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It was going to be , some day.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I think the readers, may guess!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I waited trembling.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
What did i know ?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One cannot live in the past .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im still living with it.
So, i spoilt her more .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Why did i forgive my father ?
But ive been too sick for many years..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Especially a lifetime of it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She found it foreign!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My family never makes their pension either.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I said to her
But, we were locked up after school.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But it wasn’t much.
I will be 64.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Who then, do I blame.?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Would this be the day?
Was to survive, this bastard.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was 9 years of age.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He knew the spot.
We were not on the streets..
She wouldn,t have been !
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was very sick at this time too.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I don,t even have a pension.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.